Anxious Empaths - Relationships
I started using the phrase “anxious empaths” after my twelve years as a therapist. In that time, I began to notice patterns in my clients both physically and emotionally. They were stories of feeling exhausted, periods of depression, always feeling like they need to help someone, being the ‘counselor’ of their group of friends, panic attacks, lack of self care, wine drinking to calm down, and more. Helping others, or understanding others was something that always came naturally, however many felt either exhausted after encounters with others or a deep seeded loneliness.
As a holistic anxiety specialist, I help people alleviate and integrate symptoms naturally. I believe that anxiety and depression are ways that the body is trying to work through something - to integrate, trauma, history, functioning. It is there for a reason, to teach us something. In this, we transform the perception of anxiety, understanding that it happens in response to something in our world, like an internal messaging system. Our anxiety is here to tell us something. Messages like: slow down, stop ignoring your needs, trust your feelings, choose different people to be in relationship with. These messages that we often ignore. And in many cases, those of us who are highly empathic, choose to ignore these messages because we are always focused on others and taking care of them. And most of us, also, engage in these behaviors always hoping that someone will “see” into or be there for us, like we always do for others. This can sometimes lead to loneliness and a deep inner yearning for profound connection.
The dictionary defines empathy as the ability to feel what others are feeling, but the original translation is “to feel into”. Whether someone knows they are doing it or not, a highly sensitive person can feel into the experience of another, whether that’s the other’s depression, trauma, joy, etc. Have you ever walked into a room and “felt” the energy of it? You immediately knew if the people were arguing, in love, silent, awkward…. We are evolving into multi-sensory perceptions as humans. We are not restricted by our five sensory experience. We can gain information using our intuition, and learning how to track energy patterns. Similarly, you can begin to use this “feeling into” a room with others. This is when you can begin to feel more control over your sensitivity. Without understanding your gift of empathy and sensitivity, symptoms of anxiety can ensue, and often do. As a highly sensitive person, your body is sensitive too. When you feel deeply into another, without knowing what’s going on, or how it affects you, it can create an experience of not knowing what emotion is yours or the other person. Apply this to reading the news, watching a horror film, or experiencing deep joy or love. It applies to whatever information source you are engaging with. There must be boundaries to help alleviate symptoms.
Deep empathy can be an innate trait, one that you are born with. It can also be a learned quality that deepens through the experience of trauma. In many instances, children, with the perception that they need to find ways to get their own needs met with unstable, moody or unpredictable parents, will begin to learn how to “feel into” their home life, their parents, and predict how they will feel and react in certain circumstances.
On relationships
Relationships can be tricky for a highly sensitive person. These observations are on average what I see most often. And we will go into some reasons why patterns can occur in relationships. In relationships, empaths can take on the codependent archetype if unconscious to the patterns that are occurring.
Here are some of the most common patterns I see in relationships:
Seeing the potential in the other and the potential outweighs the reality. I see this All.The.Time. Especially in young women. If you can see the very best qualities in another person, you spend the rest of your life trying to get them to realize their own greatness, at the expense of yourself. I see this often in the empath/narcissist dynamic (stay tuned). It’s important to remind yourself that your gifts of sensitivity see the best in others, and allows you to care deeply for others, however, you must ask if it’s reality. Does the potential match the reality? Do I feel loved, safe and secure?
Anticipating the others needs to an extreme. In relationships, you might often take care of each other’s needs - getting coffee on a busy day, sending a supportive text, etc. If you notice that you are beginning to anticipate the others’ moods and then change your mood accordingly, that can signal trouble. This habit can often be rooted in childhood, when you sought to have your needs met, and tried to be the “good” child to get them met. If your mood is completely dependent on the other’s mood, or if you try to be the “good” partner/friend/child in order to care-give the other, pay attention. How can you begin to shift this dynamic and take care of your own emotional well-being?
The empath (codependent)/narcissist dynamic. This does not always happen, but it happens often enough for me to note it. There’s a lot of information out there on it, but I’d like to approach it with a psychological baseline. If you were a child who did not get her needs met, your survival mode kicked in and made sure that you could live. This may have included being the ‘good child’ for an unpredictable parent, trying to be quiet to not stir the pot at home, or in general, knowing what to do to “survive” an unhealthy childhood situation. And even if you did not survive a trauma, you might have had a parent who struggled with untreated mental health issues like anxiety, depression, alcoholism, and their experience of it influenced your experience as a child. You learned how to be in the world with someone who was struggling. If these wounds are not addressed, you could repeat the pattern in adulthood. You choose someone who is narcissistic (also just a wounded child, in a different way) and the pattern is perpetuated. The empath begins to be codependent on the narcissist and vice-versa. Seek professional help to work through this pattern.
Deflecting. If someone asks you about yourself, do you try to immediately change the subject and put it back on them to avoid vulnerability? Do you deflect compliments? If so, you’re a deflector. You deflect the light on yourself and put it back on others. Doing this prevents you from being hurt, as you don’t have to be vulnerable, but it also limits your experience and the depth potential with another person. Try this instead: If someone asks you a question, assume they really want to hear the answer. Once you’ve done this, talk about yourself in a way that feels safe but also challenges you just a bit. And if someone gives you a compliment. Say thank you. That’s all!
Wanting deep connection with another at the core of it all. You are seeking connection, to be seen and to see. And you deserve this. But first, you must create boundaries, choose the right people to engage with and have a bit more self love. It will become a practice for you. And you deserve to receive what you so easily give.
In general, remember that as a highly sensitive person, you care deeply for the other person. To be in healthy relationships, you must also care about yourself. Reciprocal relationships can be a difficult journey for the empath. It is very common for you to give to the point of exhaustion, all while hoping you will receive that love and care in return.
Tips for empaths in relationship:
1) Ask for your needs to be met. Try this: “When I share ___ about my day, I’d like for you to make eye contact with me and show me that you’re listening.” It can be straightforward and direct.
2) Recognize that you are worthy of love, attention and deep connection. Love yourself more.
3) Regularly check in with your body when you are around people. How do you feel around that person? Tired, energized, depleted, joyful. Your body will give you signals and you can begin to learn what they mean.
Are you an "anxious empath"? I'd love to hear your thoughts about walking in the world as a highly sensitive person with anxiety!